Indulge in Life's Simple Pleasure

2010-08-02T22:37:00.002+08:00

finally i've log in again.
stupid pwd. killing me.

There's so much on my mind.

I've found a new job.
So far so good.
**crossed fingers.

I no longer feel happiness in the relationship i am in.
Do u feel the same way as i do?
爱情偷走我的理智你笑我死心眼爱你浪费多少时间你不会发现

I dun wan to feel this way.
4yrs.
I know we have agreed to just live the moment.
But, at this point of my life. i feel lk having something more.

Initially, i know im spoilt. cos i love the attention you gave me.
cos u listen to my every beck and call.
now. we hv drifted apart. have we?
I dun even bother to be spoilt or angry anymore.

i can feel the tug of pain in my heart.
i duno how to describe.
it's like something tat's so wrong but yet we both just close one eye and ignore.
but maybe to you, there aint anything wrong at all.

im so scare of spending the rest of my life being on my own.
Do u understand the fear i have?
i just need some assurance. but all u can say is to live the moment, we wun be together forever.
do u know how sick i feel.
i might be strong enuff to say yes. but u fucking wasted my youth. it's alrite. im not blaming u.

I dun like my life.

2009-10-08T18:47:00.003+08:00

2009.
im still stuck at where i am.
shitty crap.

2009.
i have broken my ankle+ injure my knees which left an imprint which cant be erased.
The scar is there. forever. whoever causes it. pls feel guilt. ;p

2009.
im feeling aimless.
i duno what i wan.
actualli im lookin forward to 2010.
mb by then i will have a clearer mind.

i presumed that i shud have at least another 30+ years to live.
im scare. scare that when im old i'll still be so useless.
scare that i will still be so aimless.
scare that i will live alone.
scare that i will have no bling bling.
scare of so many things!
am i having mid life crisis? boohooo.

can some1 define simple for me?

2009-09-07T17:01:00.000+08:00

I need all the powers from all there
My dear relatives up there
Send me all your power

I need to fight against someone vicious.
My strenght alone aint enuff.
Everyone follow me.
Put ya hands up in the air.
Think of my boss.
and chant.
*I Hate You*

Someone who have make my life miserable.
Someone who make my days like living hell.

May god bless that soul.

2009-08-11T23:37:00.002+08:00

Im lazy, yet i will like the post the following
talkin to my italy fren always make me smile

Andrea says: you did not travel around the world!?

I say: Nooooooooo

Andrea says: what are you doing there?

I say: working

Andrea says: bisiness woman

I say: what you doing in italy?

Andrea says: physiotherapist

Andrea says: free lands

Andrea says: almost free

--> I can always never understand what he means. whahahaha

Andrea says: bali!?

I say: yes. and im planning to go japan next year

Andrea says: everybody tells about its beauties

--> Think its the beauty of italian language. it so abstract. everyone tells about its beauties
wat the hell does it means.

Andrea says: I am going to swim

Andrea says: into the sea

I say: i just went swimming in the afternoon

Andrea says: are you going tpo sleep?

I say: into the sea. is it dangerous

I say: soon.

Andrea says: no!

Andrea says: it is safe

I say: is it?

Andrea says: we have not big fishes

I say: oh.. small fishes

--> think i can entertain him pretty well.. hahahah

2009-04-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

Back from Bali.
I missed the laziness. Carefreeness.
Missed the villa and definitely the pool.

I hate Singapore.
It gives me alot of problems.

Family and work problems.
I hate.
Once again, my parents quarrel.
I nv like my dad.
He creates problem and yet he himself dun seems to understand the main problem lies in him.
He is just like my boss.
Pathetic me. I have to suffer with one at home and one at work.
Sucks aint it.

Sometimes i wonder. Why do i have all this weird thinkings.
I think i got it from my mum.
Me: Why r there so many lizards in our house?
Mum: U wan lizards or roaches?
And there, both of us sittin at our couch and ignore those lizards.
hahahah

I wanna move out.
When can i move out?
Im sad. Period.

When can i be happy?
When im outside.
Sometimes the problem comes to me even when im out there.
My gf knows wat im gg through. do u?

pathetic 26yr old me.

2009-01-05T11:15:00.002+08:00

It the 5th day into a new year.
I aint happy.
There aint much jobs available on jobsdb, jobstreet and monster.
From 830 till now i have received 5 missed calls from hell.
Aint they know im sick.
Fcuking stupid peops.

I hate those freaking ringing sounds.
Make my heart thumps.
boohooo.

Why is the economic so bad. i wan a new job. is it possible?

I promise. I will be a good girl. Pls give me a new job.
I will drink more water.
I will eat more vege.
I will exercise more.
I promise.

2008-12-21T20:18:00.005+08:00

Was reading charlenely blogspot.
A strange feeling overwhelm me.
The type of feeling when u felt ya heart separated from your body
I wonder wat will i do if im in her shoe.

I dun even dare to think.
Losing a close one.
Imaging a life without her, kills.

Random post as follows. No flow juz random.

Xmas is a few days away.
Yet santa hasnt bring me wat i wan.
Im really in need of a new enviroment.

I love my friends. For bringing me joy.
I love my girl. For being there always.

I wanna to be sick now. Flu, fever watsoever. Pls come and find me.
I wun run away, this i promise. =)

Photos. Make me feel ugly.
Boohooo. I dun wan to face the fact tat im ugly. Boohoo

2008-12-07T23:39:00.003+08:00

I love the fact that i remember my password.
=)

It sunday. Monday is a holiday. So here i am sitting infront of my desktop @1140pm.
Cool aint it. No heart wrenching pounding feeling.

Santa Santa,
why hasnt u sent me any joy yet.
***I wan a new job. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I wan a happier life.
I wan simple things in life. But sad to say i aint a simple person.
I love to splurge.
The life im leading now, requires me to have bling bling.
There aint no guy for me.
I can't depend on a husband cos i will have none.
I need to be financially stable for the life im leading now.

25yrs into this world.
Secondary School - School girl crushes. All i have in mind is how to attact the attention of the cute boy that sit next to me. No worries on monetary stuffs. No worries if the recession is coming. No worries on economic downturn.
Poly Year - Part time jobs, earning some small bucks. Studying. Worries on monetary stuffs.
Society life - worries on monetary stuffs. worries on economic downturns. worries on recession.
So why do i have to grow up? boohooo.

I seriously hate my job.

2008-12-02T20:58:00.002+08:00

Wat i have predicted came true.
It took me a yr to login.
damn password.
damn the laziness streak in me.
but thats me.
procrastinate. my fav hobby.

Ok, next.
I hate my job.
I used to have a pretty good life. easy job @ G
but i chose to give it up and return to B.
Bloody hell B is giving lotsa of troubles.

Every Sunday.
I felt my heart pounding. I dun wan to go back to work. Depression sets in

Every Mon - Fri
I hate myself for landing myself in this shit

Every Sat
I hate the pathetic me tat went back to wrk.

Every 27th of the month
I no longer gets the satisfaction. booohooo

This year, i landed my self in lotsa illness. Even ear infection is one of it. and i got 2 days mc. damn cool. So ear infection here i come. hee
I wanna quit. Yet i dun have the courage. Im scare that i cant find another job. Mb it the pay factor tat im struggling with. but soon, very soon. I can feel it coming. Cos im realli at my verge of collapsing.

booohoooooooooo.

It xmas season. i wanna be jolly merry and happy.
Pray pray wish wish.
How i hope.
Santa, pls send me lotsa joy. i know i aint a good girl. but ... it my job tat makes me a devil.

2007-06-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

woah woah woah
finally, i manage to get in my blogger
after ages.

damn .. google
damn gmail
damn the weak strenght password
i can strongly perceive that this cycle is going to repeat itself again
the forgetful me is gonna forget the pwd again
again and again
sux

alrite,
i watched the phamton of the opera le
nice.. make a fool of myself by snapping a pic.. haha
love me, thats all i ask from u! =p
oh yar oh yar, expensive soft drink
and thanks to jeanette for the treat!

ok, next
i got myself a job
a job which im not comfortable with
a job which gives me cold feet even before i stepped in
a job that makes weeble and feeble like a tiny tweeny lil ant that is so scare of being step and crash
oh save me....... tell me it will get better
tell me i will blend in and learn those things fast
im not smart, im dumb.. why?
bloody hellllllll....

quick quick quick
everyone pray and wish me luck.

2007-04-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

it really been a long time since i wrote.
Was reading my previous post.. love the way they brings back memories.
I still believe in aliens
I am still me.. but i have mellow down.

My B is away.
I got a taste of without someone in my life.
I spent time at home. I meet up with fen.
I had lunch/ dinner with her family.
Which is something i haven done in ages.

As i grow older, time seems to past and slip away faster.
Every monday to fri.. i work my arse off till 8plus almost everyday. i dun have time to watch tv shows. i dun have time to sit in front of my tv. why? is it becos i got bad time management?
My life had became more and more dulllllll....
If last time my life is grey, think now it shud be dark grey to black.. bored. period.
Nevertheless, she did bring some colours to my life.

Just felt like typing.. been a long time since i realli feel like writing.
wat the diff btw a girl and a boy?
alotsa difference. there are something a guy can gives u and a girl cant
and there are things where a girl can and a guy cant.
nevertheless, the love i had now is something that the society wun agree. is something that my family wun noe. if we ever break up it might be a dark secret that i will keep with me forever. she once ask me, will i go with another girl, last time my ans is strictly no. but now, haha.. no idea.
shit , think it the damn nite that makes me spill everything out here. mb it the fact that i love reading the past entries and know how i feel at that moment of time.

i had always dream of getting married, have a baby and divorce.. weird? but thats me. it still unchanged .. but will i bear to give her up? i dun think so. im so selfish.. im so scared i wun find a one that loves me as much as she do.

sometimes, i wonder to myself. will there be a guy to treat me as good as her. somehow i find it impossible. i cant compare. cos girl and guy are different. different entity. different cells. different hormones. so how can i compare? both of them had their cons and pros ba.

I just wana live my life to the fullest. easily said den done. how to live my life to the fullest when all the things that had encircle my life is work work work work work.
im definitely not a workaholic. but the stupid wrk load in my current workplace is endless. lotsa reports, reclassifications, justifications, calls and time deposits etc. killing me it is. but i have my only joy with me always. thats 1 thing i love bout her. she had become my only joy.

Simply her smile, her small lil eyes , her alien look alike face. Make me smile. it warms my heart.. sounds cheesy but it does. yeeeeks.. cant stand myself. ahahaha

Love her i do. take one step at a time ba. sad to say, i still dun see a future. i know it will hurts u to read this sentence. but just keep in mind, at this point of my life. u are the only one i love. no other guys can take ya space in my heart.
as for future.. may u find a bf too.. whahaha.. =p
nah nah nah, i might stick with u till our hair turns grey. cos i think i lost the flirtatious and friendilness trait in me. sad to say, u manage to convert me to les. haha. good job. well done.

alrite end of entry.

2007-04-06T22:37:00.000+08:00

I miss you deeply.

Not even 1 call. damn.
it makes me worry.

u gonna get it from me when u r back.

ever since we became an item,
u left me alone to go to beijing
u left me alone to go to taiwan
now... m'sia
not even a call.. im angry.

im more towards worry den angry
last but not least, u are gonna get it from me when u r back

im gonna be the spoilt queen!

2007-03-25T19:50:00.000+08:00

it been ages since i wrote.
just celebrated anni a few days ago.
love it.

The sleepy us which nearly cause us to miss our lunch.
Like the waitress which make the spinning bowl salad. cute. haha
Love the ambience. romance.

After lunch, we went walking around.. shopping.. hee
saw a few things tat i wanted.. but it all toooooo bloody ex.
wat can i say? im materialistic
wahaha.. how can i pauper be materialistic
it all because im not realistic enuff
hahaha

dinner, we went to eat sharkfin
hee.. full.. very very full..
after that we went home. to her home. with her parents n sis all at home. sian
but overall , it aint so bad afteralll.. at least i can still speak with her sis
but the thot tat her sis think me n her bath together is just so freaking funny
hahaha

anyway, i enjoyed myself.
even we had a slight quarrel tat day
all mainly because of her inconsiderate and selfishness. haha =P

2006-10-10T14:03:00.000+08:00

I wish my life will be better.
I wish i will learn to appreciate life better.
I wish i could be happier.
I wish i could stop feeling bad about myself.
I wish everything could be simplier.
I wish ....
Alot more things.
UNsatisfied i am.

2006-09-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world??

I like the phrase above. Sweet. Will u? but can i really forget about the world?
Too much problematics issues bothering me.
Im feeling useless once again.

Useless being a daugher
Useless being a friend
Useless being a gf
Useless being a human being

As i said before, im just parasite.
Can someone just step on me and make sure i die. I mean, u must make sure i die.
Or else dun step on me!
COs im afriad of misery.
Im afraid of being torture.

Im in such a emo torture Now..
WHo can save me?
No one.
Not even frens or love one.

Can i survive?
I cant answer that qns at this moment,
cos im dying.

Dun mourn for me.
Just forget me.
Cos my just a simply useless good for nothing parasite.

2006-09-20T17:36:00.000+08:00

Happi 6th month!

I love my present !!
A cruise to KL.

Hee. Love u!

Imjustfreakingborednowthatijustfeelliketypingtheabovedownastoremindmyselfwatshehaddoneforme.

LOVES.

2006-09-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

The worst days at work.
Damn.
Hate it.
Duno wat wrong.
SOme insignificant small things yet causes such a big rift.
Feeling pretty pissed and frustrated.

Wah koaz. Only left 3 days yet the time passes so slow.
All because i realli hate coming to work.

=(

2006-09-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

My life sucks pretty badly.
I dun understand why.

Ytd met up with eve n lene for some shopping and coffee.
Tok chat biatch.
It been long since we sat down at some place decent and chat
Not around midnight in the middle of a park. wahaha

Y cant i led a simple life? But do i really want a simple life?
Wat will happen if i cant find my dream job.
Wat will happen if i cant even get a job tat pays well.
Wat will happen ??

People are always being bothered with what will happen. Things are unpredictable. I can be smiling now and the next moment i can be brooding. Why is that so?
Do i have some mental illness?
haha.. i hope not.
It just that my simple pea small brain loves to bother herself with big problematic sometimes insignificant troubles.
hahaha

alrite.. done with digressing.

Met up with my Baby last nite to for a simple birthday celebration for her.
Went to primas. I got a slight motion sickness. But the food tastes wonderful. with the perfect companion, it one of the best days i had in 2006.
Love the way she smile with the slight opening of her eyes looking thru at me. SOmetimes i even wonder, is she looking at me or is her eyes open? wahaha
There's alot of things i like bout her. =)

Hope good things last..
bad things pls pls pls go away.. shoooo....

2006-09-06T15:23:00.000+08:00

another entry in a day.

Eat
Makan
Munch

The only thing that makes time pass fast..
Abit tweeny bit fast...

.....

2006-09-06T11:10:00.000+08:00

Let me digress!
Im not happy.
Everyday i dreads.
Everyday i try to be happy.
Everyday Just simply sux!

I got no guts.
I got no courage.
I got no front.

Im juz like a lil weeby smallie crawllie insignificant pity shitty ass parasite living in this world.

No sense of identity.
Im hating so much things.
So much.
Including myself definitely.
========================================

Finding someone that make u smile.
Finding someone that u can tok to.
Finding someone who makes u feel like a fool.
Finding someone that make u thump thump thump.
Finding someone to hold u warm.
is it that impt?

I love wat i have now.

2006-09-05T17:56:00.000+08:00

Will you still love me in the morning?
Forever and ever.

:) Saw the above phrase in some blog that i went to this noon during work.
Sweet. Sweetilicious sweet. Brings a warm smile to my face.

Imaging asking your loved one the above question.
Imagine waking up with your loved one by your side.
Imagine having your loved one to hug to to sleep and giving you a peck n wishes you good nite.
I missed that.
:(

What been happening?
The only good thing is that i manage to pass every of my module.
Not fantastic results but yeah, i still passed..
I simply hate my job to the core. Simply.
No one can understand the hateness, the unbearable tinge of regretness in me.
:p
But life still moves on.

Now im freaking scared to give out tat white envelope to my boss.

hai...

I need a better life, a better job, a better future.

2006-08-20T11:03:00.000+08:00

Mood: Smilez

Why?
Cos i love my fifth month ..

Because?
Of all the things she done for me.

She always put in alot of thot and effort to make the day memorable for both of us.
This time she succeeded in making me afraid of chocolate and cakes in a good way.
Im not gonna touch this 2 delicasies for a long time..
Overall, i Love it!

She say: Nxt time we shall go for ice cream..
Bring it on baby~

Anyway, this time everything started on a good note..
No quarrels, arguements.. Simply smiles =)
The only blemish to the event is tat we both receive smses from some ppl.

Anyway, let me digress abit apart from my happy mood.
Ok start!
I hate work.. work sux.. felt so useless. Felt so unproductive. Felt like a cripple.
Damn. I so so so much wanna quit.. but i got to secure a new job first.
I so so so scared i will kana fired.. hai.. tat wil be the first time manz..
=(
I hate my workplace. Hate the stupid rules and regulations..
How bout politics? it fun .. as im not involved.. wahaha
The most political place is the toliet
The most political situation is u heard 2 different stories.. from both boss n frens
The most political thing is to handle relationship.
For one, im real bad at handling relationship
real real real bad..

REgrets.. all i can say is my full of regrets.. at this moment.
i dun wanna cause any strain on anything.

2006-08-04T13:05:00.000+08:00

Im veri dissatisfied with myself.
I hate my life.
I hate my days.
At times, i hate myself too.

Lonely loner alienative living in a disgusting cruel materialistic hypocratic world.

I dun like.

Save me. From self pitiness. From hatred. From cowardness.

Shit.

My blog entry seems so shitty.

Hope things will get better.. i reali hope so.

2006-07-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

4th month.
Time passes so freaking fast.

4th celebration.
All started on the wrong tone.

First, quarrel.
Second, crying.
Third, sickness.
Fourth, realli bad dinner.

I hate spanish mexican food.
I hate tapas.
I hate food wrap in flour tapilitas.
I hate the noise there.

I onli love the corn.
She especially brought me there.
Hee...

hmmm... hope everything will be better.
she not giving me up.. whahaha...

Thank you for loving me so well.

Happy 4 mth

2006-07-18T20:36:00.000+08:00

hmmm...
some random thots

- Somehow i realli wish im in a "normal" relationship
Being in a somehow abnormal r/s in this society, it brings more problems den i expected.
When im sick, i wan my love one to be by my side.
But due to the fact of the type of r/s im in, she aint able to do that.
I cant hold her hands in raffles place.
I cant held her in raffles place.
I got to endure stares from stupid people.
I got endure gossips which somehow always reaches my ear.
I got to lied to my colleagues of the fact that im attached n in love.
I got to be so secretive when she call when im at home.
I got scared when we visit neighbourhood places for dinner.

Alot alot of problems.
I dun like it.
Realli.
But i do love u baby.
Juz that sometimes such random thots infest my brain,mind n soul.
Not a good feeling it definitely is.
I duno how long i can hold on to this r/s .. =(

Random thots.. why do u ever appear?

2006-07-09T12:29:00.000+08:00

Hmm... time pass so fast n it seems ages since i last updated...

There so much thing happening..
Finally i found a job.
Do i like the job.
no idea.. i juz noe at the moment i dun hate it but either am i loving it.

Ask me how long i will stay.
Not too sure. cos the resignation thot keep appearing time n again.
Simply cant get use to the new life im havin. WOrk, Home, Sleep, Work stress.

Hows my 23?
Celebrated my birthday with my 2 favourite groups of people.
Everyone changes. Appreciate the actions tat everyone tried to make it to the dinner.
It a pretty nice feeling to know tat i have friends.

My wish.
That a secret. Or else it wun come true.

My baby.
OKie, realise i din said anything on our 3rd mth dinner.
I simply love it!
The scenery.. the dinner.. the Virgo.. the waffles.. the ice cream.. the accompany.

She been always there for me. No matter how unreasonable i am.
No matter how rude i am. No matter how fierce i am. No matter how emotional and depressing i am.
She is also the one that help me to rub my back.. rub my legs.. Touch my rashes.. Kisses on my forehead.. cooking dinner for me.. giving me advices and standing by my decision.
Im glad i chose her.
Im glad that she chose to love me.

We too have our tiff.. she hates me when i raise my voice same as i hate it when she raise her voice. But we r still gettin along fine at this moment.

Not lookin at long term.. juz enjoyin the moment as usual.

EVE
hehe.. she is currently over at uk
Green with Envy. Yes i am. Definitely.
She not in spore.
I lost a msn kaki.
I lost someone who will listen to my moody nite rantings.
I lost someone that gave good advice.
I lost someone to share my joy n sadness with.
But she will be back after a month..
Hehe..
Wat will she buy for me?
Wahahaha

Leaving this country.
It always been my wish to escape from this family of mine n spore..
wahaha.. but i know tat not gonna be happening.
DAMN.
Her trip makes me reminiscing bout my finland stay.
The cold weather, cooking, coffee, chocolates, clubbing, drinkings and making new friends from around the world. Wonderful memories that will stay with me. Thinkin bout the life i led over there is one of the best memories i ever had.. Even though the stay do have it downs, but eventualli i still love it.

Alrite.
ENd of entry.

2006-06-29T14:29:00.000+08:00

Juz had the 1st serious quarrel.
1st serious anger.
1st serious thot.
1st serious hateness.

i know we both dun mean it.
mb we r simply not meant to be.
Maybe?

2006-06-07T11:42:00.000+08:00

Im feeling pretty useless..
Im feeling pretty down..
Im feeling bad...

Why am i born into this family?

2006-05-22T12:57:00.000+08:00

I love the things u done on 20th again..
wahahaa
Love the ride, love the food, love the ambience..
The onli cons about tat nite is my leg is killing me..
:p

May all good things dun come to an end.
But nothing is forever.
So lets juz treasure the moment.
:)

2006-05-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

Time: 1.32am

So y aint i slping?

Cos im missing someone.
Badly it is.

Came to me as a shock.
Felt time passes so slowly.
Wishes n hopin time pass faster so the someone will be back.

Does the someone miss me as badly too?
_________________________________________

Exams is approachin.
N im driftin into depression mode.
Scaring the hell out of me.
Tears juz flow w/o control.
Shivering.

2006-05-12T14:33:00.000+08:00

Exam is killing me.
Notes are killing me.
Deprive of sleep is killing me.
Stress is killing me.

Im so bad at time management now.
So bad.
Cant seems to manage it well.
Time juz kept slipping thru my hand.
I got no control of it.

Im scare.
Freaking scare.

Someone is over at somewhere currently.
N i misses the someone.

2006-04-24T14:28:00.002+08:00

Went off half way after class,
To meet darling for lunch.
Had Pepper lunch.. Nice..

Wanted to meet her,
due to last nite.
I never wana make u sad.
It hurts me as well.

Seeing her today,
It make me smile.
Make me realise how impt her smile is to me.
Make me realise how an impact she had on me.

I think im basking in love.
World out there! Im in love. So pls dun shoot me ugly comments.
Cos i wun give it a heck anymore!

2006-04-23T21:26:00.000+08:00

Time and time again
I thot i've been cool bout stuffs.
But i felt the old memories keep haunting me.
I felt so helpless.
Sometimes somethings r meant not to be said out.

My weakness is i care too much.
I cant differentiate.
Sometimes, time n time again, i felt like giving up.
Time n time again.

I kept walking and walking in this roundabout tat bring me nowhere.
I heard the 3 words again n again.
Im numb.

No more tears.
No more laughter.
No more butterflies.

Im tired bout everything.
Even if i promise not to give up.
Can i?

2006-04-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

Time passes so fast.

I appreciate what u did on 20.
I enjoyed myself.
I like the prezzie.
I love the thot.

I do treasure .
I do love.

It not a easy path.
Im tryin my best.

Love and be loved.

2006-04-14T01:10:00.000+08:00

He said: U have changed. U dun love me anymore.
Me: Silence.

Wat can i say further?
I always knew that we aint meant to be with.
Nevertheless, he still can make me smile.
Like a fool it is.

Actually, i felt guilt.
Towards her and towards him.

I wana concentrate on studies.
I wana be a good girl to my B.
And i am really a good girl.

Undeniably, at times im playful too.
But, ... im changing..

At this stage of my life,
Im feeling ambiguous.
Towards Love, Studies,Life,Friendship and Career.

2006-03-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

Something bothering me.
I hate finding out stuffs bout ppl sayin behind my back.
I know it inevitable in this society.
In this realistic cruel world.

But i never thot friends will say that.
I rather U said it infront of me.
Rather behind my back.
And everyone making me as a joke!

I hate it!

All i know aint friend suppose to be good to each other.
And i duno who the person is.
But the person must be someone close to me as we r hanging out in the same group.
The same group that almost meet up every week.

Why do i have to know bout this.
And yet, the person who told me this doesnt wan to tell me who is tat person!!
Argh.. im blabbering!!

I hate this feeling.
Who am i suppose to trust?
FRiends?

Bimbo : used especially of an attractive but empty-headed person
I hate this word tat being used on me!!!

2006-03-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

I've found someone
who can make me smile like a fool.

2006-03-22T22:14:00.000+08:00

Hi all,
Please rem to mourn for me
I think in a few mths time
I will cease to exist

Im freaking scaring myself to death
All those notes..
The scent of papers..
The stacks n stacks of notes..
And now im still online..

Thots..
Occupyin my mind..
Laziness..
IN my bones n blood

I juz wan u all out there to know
No matter wat
I will remember and love u all out there!!!!

Pls, rem to miss me.

hahaha...
Another lame entry.. hahaha
sounds pathetic din i?
sounds so weirdo din i?
hahaha...

quick quick
scold me hit me bite me
kick me hard in my ass..

i might even return a sweet smile
and i beary hug..

:P

2006-03-17T11:23:00.000+08:00

Let me teach u all some meanings of the words:

Snap : to utter sharp biting words : bark out irritable or peevish retorts

Misinterpret : to understand wrongly, to explain wrongly

Friendship Love : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

Self denial : a restraint or limitation of one's own desires or interests

Contradict : to imply the opposite or a denial of
______________________________________
Due to some misinterpretation of my snapping
It causes some unhappiness felt in the matters of heart
Which im totally unaware of.
Insensitive i still am.

Self denial.
All my frens dun like me for that.
I juz simply dun like visiting the doc.
I juz simply love the ignore signs of sickness.
And also simply alot of signs.

I love to contradict.
Is it not. ?
It juz because i always fight alone with my
Logical rational and Emotional feelings side.

But im glad we sms it out.
Small matters it is.
Somehow i feel happy that my fren is not too happy bout it.
Cause it means she cares.

And the worst thing is
I onli snapped at ppl i love.
I duno why.
Maybe i expect more from loved ones.
Maybe i juz expect them to understand.
Tats why i treat my mum n dad so fierce.
Hahaha

So all shall be honoured k!

Love ya all.. n i felt loved.

2006-03-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Mood: Troubled? Confused.

Was on the fone
Mummy questioned me
" Are you tokin to girl or guy? "
My answer
" Guy "
Actual fact
" It a girl "

The fact kinda hit me
Wat am i suppose to do?
Am i suppose to carry on.
Risking it?
Am i willing to make the risk?
Am i brave enuff to brave the risk?

Im not a good person in hiding stuffs.
....

Brooding.
I felt love from her.
______________________
Was kinda feelin weak lately.
Why is tat so?
She said i "fa ren"
but i din had much heaty stuffs ar..
hmmmm
I appreciate the care n concern she showed me.
I knw u will be reading my blog,
so.. thanks baby.. hehe
____________________________________
Time for me to totally cut my relationship with Mr. D
He sux..
Period.

2006-03-01T12:09:00.000+08:00

Wat been happening lately?

I've been hanging out close with a fren.
A fren tat been freakin sweet to me.
A fren tat make me smile.
A fren tat accompany me.
A fren tat help me read my notes.

But all in all,
Wat gonna happen?
I see nothing in front of the road.

Seriously, been asked by lots.
I do seriously like my fren.
As a fren or more den a fren.
More than a fren it is.

But all in all,
Wat gonna happen?
I cant cross the barrier.

Frens out there think
im playful,
im flirting,
im bitch,
im slut,

but im juz living for the moment,
doin wat my feelings ask me to do.
Holdin her hands at tat point of time
juz seems so right.

wat am i suppose to do now?
Shall i let myself sink in deeper
or pull myself out of it?
the problem is
"I really dunno"

brooding...

2006-02-26T11:23:00.000+08:00

Memories

Memories are best kept untouched...
BUt i love to reminise back on those memories...
Something close to my heart
Which use to bring a smile
Those days ...

Love as if u have never been hurt before.
Love again is risking it all.
BUt is it all worth it in the end?

Memories are never meant to be erase away.
it scorch into the mind heart and soul.
No matter how hurt i been
I still remember.
I forgives.

I think sometimes im so silly to the extend tat i wun get angry
even if the situation need me to be angry
ahaha
lamer me~

2006-02-22T14:32:00.000+08:00

Heard something from a fren
It kinda bother me...
Im not bothered by the news.
The thing tat bothered me is
"Im giving him the benefit of doubt"

I know i shud trust/believe wat my fren told me.
But...
Maybe i juz need to hear it myself, see it myself.

Im not falling deep.
Simple things are wat i wan.
Having a person to entertain me time to time.

Am i living in denial again?
But the truth is,
I dun feel much pain hearing tat.

Why is tat so?

Anyway,
Exams approaching.
I shud concentrate on studies.

Towards tat lamer guy,
frens we shall be.

2006-02-11T14:40:00.000+08:00

Was on the fone with him last nite.

Cracking stupid jokes
Insulting each other
And makin me feel stupid.

But i was smiling like a fool.
And i am a fool.

He always have a way with me.

But in the end, i still feel empty.
Deep in me, im not happy.

I dun like his frens.
Really.

Loving someone n risking it all.
Is it worth it?
He is juz not tat into me.

Period.
_________________________________
There is this particular someone.
I dun wish to hurt.
I enjoy her company.

-End-

2006-02-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

time: 1.48am

i shud be already asleep but got woken up by a sms
i ask who is he watchin the movie with
i got no reply

im treatin him as a fren
im treatin him as a fren
im treatin him as a fren

he called me
he still din tell me who he watchin with

time:1.55am
he watchin the movie with his buddy..

-end-

Oh..
lately there been this topic tat i might bend
will i?

-end-

oh..
does indulging in fun and drinking gives ppl the perception tat im sad n not okie?
hmmmm...
but im realli feeling happy n cool!
i love these peops in my life
and i love those tat cares for me too
i feel loved.. hehe

-end-

2006-01-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!!
Chu 1.. first day of the new yr!!!

MY N70 spoilt!!!
I mean realli spoilt.. got to bring down to service center asap ba..
who wanna accompany me??
hee...

Arghh...
The worst that happen is
4 of my cousins holding the same fone as me..
were all teasin me lo!!!

Showin me how many cool applications their fone have!!

Im not IT savvy mah!!

Anyway, did enjoy myself!!

Pls pls pls.. let this yr be better!!!

2006-01-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

Hmmm..

i love gettin drunk.
i love rnb.
i love nice people in my life.

-end-

2006-01-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

I have been procrastinating . :(
I juz had a quarrel with mummy .
Life life life..
wat had my life became?

Quarrel with my mum due to a small statement tat i made.
I find it totally irrelevant for her to flare up the way she did.
Find it totally hilarious.

Jo Anne says:
i was watchin tv in her room with her
Eve-Line says:
hw did u anger her
Jo Anne says:
den my dad keep playin the hp tone.. all those nokia tones
Jo Anne says:
den i juz say to her " go get ya husband to stop playin the fone"
Jo Anne says:
yar.. n she flare up at this sentence
Jo Anne says:
weird?
Jo Anne says:
sayin tat she no stand in this family
Jo Anne says:
no1 respect her
Jo Anne says:
everyone treat her like maid

But thinkin back on it now.. im realli gettin pissed with her.
The way she shout at me.
The way she thinks she is so poor thing.
The way she made herself sounds so pitiful.
The way she makes me seems like hilter.
Damn!

Why does everyone only thinks for himself and herself?
Why does everyone felt tat him/herself had done the most?
Why does everyone loves so self-pity so much?

I do agree tat i may not be the most wonderful or perfect dotter in the world.
But hey, i did tried my best .. at times (means not everytimes) but who dare to say he/she will do such stuffs everyday..
I mop
I clean
I buy my own breakfast, lunch and dinner
I cook
I wash
I settle my own problems

But yeah, i still take money from them.
SO i had to get all this bullshit from her?
I mean no harm..
everyone tat noes me shud know me well enuff to upset my mum.
But she is weird!

2006-01-21T00:04:00.000+08:00

bébé, le seul regret que j'ai
n'a pas une photo de nous
Quand l'amour implique avec des frens
je veux juste que notre amour soit plus simple
je veux juste me rappeler cela
une fois amour i vous profondément

2006-01-18T12:07:00.000+08:00

Have u Ever felt:

- total silence in a car with someone even there is lots of misunderstandings to be clear?
-the hand tat once u longed so much to hold is no longer warm?
-when 2 different human beings tried too hard, it became too unreal and somehow suffocating?
-words tat are already at the tip of ya mouth but u still dun dare to ask?
-sometimes life is juz so tiring tat u wana disappear?
-sometimes u juz wana risk it all?
-lonely?
-depressed to the point tat u hate everything?
-how good if everything can start over again?
-that u wish u have amnesia?

=End=

2006-01-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

Juz came back from watchin
"ELIZABETH TOWN"
Wow! Boring show it is.. hahaha
Somehow too draggy..

BUt i do still like some parts in it
*Like the way 2 strangers able to tok the nite away
* the substitute part - i see myself in it... :(
*Guys think inside a box
*We girls think inside a round room - does it means we tends to think too much or rather we girls tend to handle stuffs a tweeny lil bitsy smooother den guys?

I was once an substitute - am i?
Denial me again.. hahhaa

Somebody wake me up n stop letting me drifting into the bullshit of being a substitute
Deep in me, i mean no harm
Deep in me, i juz wan to be loved

Lastly,
Muz we realli disappear from each other life
to forget?
Or rather, is it possible to stay as fren?
No answers.. if i have, will post up den...
-End-

2006-01-11T14:56:00.000+08:00

You and I
Movin in the dark
body close but souls apart

shadows nite
secrets r reveal
i need to know
the way u feel

i give u everything i am
n everything i want to be
i put it in ya hands
u can open up to me

cos all i want
is juz once
see u in the light
but u hide behind the colour of the nite

2006-01-06T00:31:00.000+08:00

A few stolen moments is all that we share

You've got your family, and they need you there

Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list

But no other man's gonna do

So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone

My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own

But each time I try, I just break down and cry

Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue

So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together

Love gives you the right to be free

You said be patient, just wait a little longer

But that's just an old fantasy

2006-01-04T22:55:00.000+08:00

Fu*K

My Hrm and marketin is on the same day!!
Same whole day!!
onli with 1 hr break!!!
Damn!
Bloody hell
im so pissing sad and angry!!!
Fcuk Fcuk!!!!
Im gg into depression
wat so much bout a better 2006?!

2006-01-01T13:28:00.000+08:00

Back home at 5am !!
Stupid cabs!! No cabs at all.. How can spore cabbies be so meanie on NYE??

Hero went down to MoS to queue at 7pm!! I reached at 830pm.. hehe..It so early rite..
and we were realli quite in the front !! swear!! but they need to let those that bought the tix beforehand (pre-sales) to get in first..
And we queue and queue till 1030pm and our queue is not moving at all... not moving by all!!
Eventually we went off to HAPPY!!!!
Wow wow wow
sexy sexy boogie boogie
handsome handsome cutie dudes
I had so much fun lookin at them!!
Simply staring lo.. ice cream to my eyes!!
hahaha

After tat, we went to coffee shop for tiger!!
1 bottle 5bucks
cheap cheap cheap!!!
hahaha

Eventually, i do have a fun time!
Smiles and start yr 2006 in a happy note!!
New year resolution:
1) Find a good job
2) Pass my exams with flyin colours
3) Find a nice guy to take care of me

hehe.. not too diff rite? hahaha

2005-12-31T12:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday (30.12.05) i had a wonderful steamboat dinner and a wonderful walk!
wahaha
It been a long time since we met and chill out this way
Sittin by the bay
Gentle breeze
Talkin our hearts out
Juz simply talking.. insignificant tok? sensible tok?
hehe.. but i do enjoy myself alot
The "ice-bergs" and " light which look like northern lights"
looks so beautifull.. veri veri nice.. pretty sight somehow n somehow not too
We were thinkin, when we reached 28, will we still be this way?
Will we have our significant partner who can accompany till our hair grows white?
Will we have kids to bring with us to whenever we met?
Wat will we be like? Will we become those typical aunties?
hahaha...
It juz so scary how time flies...
I had a wonderful and harmful thot-less nite..
oh oh..
We walked!!!! My babies indulge me in my own secret ambition..
That is to walk expressway back home!!
wahaha.. we din manage to walk on the expressway
But we manage to walk from
Esplanade-->Suntec-->Bugis-->little india-->lavender-->alll the way near to boon keng!!!
hahaha
And today, all 3 of us were sayin.. leg pain, body ache.. how old had we grown?

Love Love
XXX

2005-12-29T08:25:00.000+08:00

Back from Phuture last nite..
Great music! Great accompany! Terrible hangover!
The 1st time eve got so damn drunk... haha
Might be somehow due to my fault... cos she acc me drink LONG ISLAND!

I always love the feeling of high.. No harmful thots.. Juz full of smiles.. It somehow generates the happiness in me.. making me feel wonderful.. PLainly smiling.. and kinda of sociable too.. Seldom sees me in such a good mood to talk with strangers..

A briefly memories walk thru ytd nite:
Me: Happily high and dancing.. Oh, think i somehow got "molested" by a girl and a boy.. damn! The young girl tried to kiss me and the young boy keep touchin me! damn.. but when im drunk i dun seems to be able to resist or fight or ... haiz.. not good gettin too high too when thinkin back.. young kids nowadays are realli gettin out of hand.. nxt time if my kid wana club.. im gonna tag along! dun care!
Meow: She din drunk.. think she plainly came down juz to show her face and acc us.. hehe.. love her for tat..
Eve: Woah woah woah.. highlight of the nite.. she vomit and vomit and vomit.. got such a hard time carryin her out.. totalli no image at all lo.. all her demure n femine traits gone.. hahha
She got kinda high when we were dancin but once i went to fetch the others in.. she is gone.. squatin underneath the table and puke.. yeeeekss.. sorry babe..
Lene,Ot and Nette: Poor lil 3 girls.. juz came in for some fast baileys n volkas.. not even dancin for 2-3min.. they got to help and get our drunkard eve out.. haha

Another highlight of the day is
We met 2 irritatin and wu-liao guys.. not clubbin.. juz simply drove down sit there n ppl watch.. bloody hell.. n keep luffin at us.. stupid guys! real dumb..

HEhe.. babies.. so when nxt?

hahaha

_______________________________________________________
During Yes, After No..
agree with it.. cos my telepathy lene had somehow see a train of thots in me when we were waitin outside of our dear eve to wake up..
that's when evil starts to eats me up alive..
that's when i starts to indulge myself in self pity again..
that's when i knew i got to move on and start anew..
but
why is it everytime my fone rang, i hope to see his number..
why is it so?!
damn!
Im such a flirty asshole bitch... :(

2005-12-25T12:00:00.000+08:00

Christmas celebration
Maybe the older we get, clubbin no longer become a must during a festive season
Whereas we prefer to share this special day with all the special dearest ones :D

Thus, i had spent it with 2 of my FAV grps..
Despite it the festive season,
but none of us seems to have the xmas mood when i met up with nette they all in noon...
Jasmine was in a pretty bad shape n condition due to her bgr problem.. but life still goes on...
And, I always am one who love BBQ, cos i love BBQ food.. simply delicious..
sometimes, it juz so wonderful how we have grown close n know more frens..
The high moment of the nite is when we played "indian poker" and mixin bailey w volka w orange juice w milk w tea w water etc.... yeeewwwwkkkk... sucky sucky sucky
After 2 cups, n the kick kicks in.. hohoho... strangely surprising i tear last nite.. hahaha.. emo me.. but somehow due to xin words..
giving it up...
is so easily said..
but doin it juz somehow seems so impossible..
the way i felt for tat person is something i got no control of..
but im managin it pretty well this time..
it juz an incident tat i felt for him..
somehow whenever i thot of him, i cud feel this tuggin pain in my heart...
why is tat so?

Alrite, shall sstop digressing..

After i reached home, my poly mates arrived..
They bought prezzie for my parents.. n my parents were smiling like they strike gold..
child-like.. hahaha
im pretty red when i reached home.. went into room n catch a quick nap n rest.. till mum open the door...
but all i can say is tat im a pretty good drinker lately.. no pukin.. hehe
it been a long time since we all get together
everyone of us make it to this small gathering.. except niki... mb she went back to rural again..
we had too much food.. too much.. way too much.. each of us brought stuffs down..
took alot of pics.. not pretty pics but veri natural n real life, n i do look like shit
and the 6 of us tryin to squeeze in my bed.. wow wow wow... hahaha
It feels pretty good to see all my frens gettin on with life well
OT- happily in love with her gf
Jeanette- Happily in love with OT.. the showin of affection is juz so sweet
Lene- happily attached.. yeah.. bf will fetch her n her gfs.. such bf where to find.. haha but got a sucky job which i hate it so much
Eve- still crappy and learning to be happi.. we r all smiling from our hearts last nite.. n we r happy.. so the way to happiness is juz infront!! :p
Meow- not too happy with job.. but tat the real world.. but everything will be good in yr 2006!
The smiles n laughter and the bitchin actualli cause me to have a slight sore throat now.. haha

Merry christmas to all..
LOVE ALWAYS!
XXX

2005-12-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

转身离开分手说不出来
海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
我们的爱差异一直存在
风中尘埃竟累积成伤害

Went to buy ciggies today
The auntie actualli ask for my NRIC!!
HAha.. tat's a big joy for a girl who is 22 going 23..
It really makes my day.. haha

Xmas here.. festive seasons
Lets all Hope "WORLD PEACE"
Superb Bimbo bitch me.. haha
Alrite, let's wish for the bestest things will all happen to my dearest in the coming year 2006!!

Those who are single will find their love
Those who are broke will win 4d, toto, mj, etc
Those who have been busy will have more time to R&R
Those who have lead a complicated life, will soon find simplicity
N Last but not least, Let's all be HAPPY!!
Living is all about HAPPY!!

Im in a good festive mood.. lets see how long it will last..
Hmmm.. 1 day, 1 wk, 1mth or mb 1hr..
haha.. im complicated n changing consistently.. wat is tat lizard name call?? tat will change colour 1.. i think i change my mood more den it changes its colour.. haha..
:P

2005-12-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

Went to MOS ytd
Got lost findin it..
Gettin real bad with directions
hmmm...
MOS is pretty.. real pretty.. but music sux
thus moi still love my phuture!!!
Din realli get drunk or high.. mb i set a too high expectation on it.. thus makin ytd nite a tad too bored.. boring..
but had some stupid jokes over the table at TCC..
and year 2005 makes the year of payin bills with coins or not money to pay at all..
hahha
Great place, great company but sucky music makes the nite still great..
and yeah, got my first xmas present.. hahaha

oh, he sms me last nite..
he got drunk..
i sms him not to know any girls
he say he is too drunk to know girls
but this noon, he sms say he saw his old fren.. slimmer prettier...
hmmm..
did i got jealous?
anyway, i hate him.. to prevent myself from fallin for him.. i juz got to hate him
simply simple logic.. juz hate him and stop sms him.. period!

2005-12-18T13:59:00.000+08:00

hmmm... thou shall write bout "I'm the Girl who..."
Im the girl who is now 22 going 23...

I'm the Girl who used to be very small in size.
I'm the Girl who is a teacher's pet in nursery.
I'm the Girl who perform dances everything during school function.
I'm the Girl who got stab with a pencil by a naughty boy in school.
I'm the Girl who is very quiet in class.
I'm the Girl who english sucks to the core.
I'm the Girl who can't simply answer or pronouced simple english words.
I'm the Girl who play football and baseball with boys.
I'm the Girl who got the outlook of a small lil girl but with a lil boy heart.
I'm the Girl who hurt her hand while playing monkey bar.
I'm the Girl who got the first crush on a boy and followed him to play ping pong.
I'm the Girl who thot hanging out with those "popular" people will make her more acceptable.
I'm the Girl who got attached in sec 2. or sec 1.. cant really remember
I'm the Girl who got detached with frens and thot only HIM is the world
I'm the Girl who sacrifice too much for the word love
I'm the Girl who became a loner
I'm the Girl who always get backstab by fren
I'm the Girl who everyone hates
I'm the Girl who nobody likes
I'm the Girl who everyone thinks im a bitch
I'm the Girl who is flirtatious
I'm the Girl who thinks of endin her life and leaving home
I'm the Girl who is realli glad that she have her 7frens, xin,nette,mad and fen
I'm the Girl who dun think that she needs alot of frens anymore
I'm the Girl who is complicated but loves to simplify things
I'm the Girl who loves gettin drunk and high
I'm the Girl who think sex is impt!
I'm the Girl who always met the wrong guy
I'm the Girl who believes in karma
I'm the Girl who always do things on impluse and regrettin it
I'm the Girl who cant seems to have any self control
I'm the Girl who loves shopping
I'm the Girl who loves chilling out
I'm the Girl who tries to be there for frens and frens r more impt except family
I'm the Girl who is learning to be happy
I'm the Girl who is learning to become a numb nun
I'm the Girl who ...
Shall continue if i can think of more.. hee

2005-12-12T11:06:00.000+08:00

Im sick..
I almost thot im dyin..
Cant even lie straight, cant even curl myself to slp..
The pain is so excrutiating that i realli thot im dying..
Been in and out of toliet for the whole damn nite!
Vomit, diarrheao, Vomit, diarrheao,Vomit, diarrheao,Vomit, diarrheao.. till i lose count..
Wat comes out from below seems like wat comes out from the top..
I know it disgusting.. but it too sick for me to feel disgusting..
Wat most disgusting of all, the stuffs tat came out from my body is brownish black.. yeeks!!!
I realli thot im dying...
I manage to suffer till morn den inform the situation to my parents
They send me to see a doc..
So now, i have 7med to take daily..
I still feel giddy once in a while..
I still feel weak...

Ytd, i was watchin the tv programmes, and complainin that the peops in there movin too fast cos it makin my giddy.. i get giddy watchin tv..
So my onli main of entertainment is music..
But im gettin better now..
Juz tat giddiness kick in once in a while...

Arh.. it juz felt so bad to be sick!!!!
I need to take good care of my health!!!

2005-11-19T02:16:00.000+08:00

IM SUCH A BITCH!

OH!! ARGH!! Y AM I STILL FEELING THE PAIN & HATRED!!!!!!!!

SHIT !!!

im feelin so weird
thot i had forgotten him
it those memories tat i kept deeply in my heart
i was once so blindly in love with him
till date i still treated him as a fren
i wish him and his gf good..
but.. y izit when i heard of news bout him n his gf..
my heart will hurt?
love does hurt!
damn it!
freak!

ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate myself this way
i shud have let go long ago
but ...
my plain selfish!
stupid me!

2005-09-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

F*%K !!!!

Dun ask me why! Cos i juz feel so!!!

2005-09-16T23:57:00.000+08:00

Mood: Still moody..
Still Depressed..
Still Emo...
Still hating myself
Been weeks.. times pass.. somethings resolved... somethings haven.. And im still the "me" but no longer bubbly..
Made a decision of not breaking the truth to my family yet.. It so wrong.. I know it is so wrong.. But it juz felt so right even though it's so wrong.. Maybe it not even right but juz tat the ascetic me feels so as im denyin all the facts n avoiding the outcome at all means...
Friends been there for me.. im glad for tat.. im glad tat i have friends to accompany me thru this period.. Eventhough i have been avoiding n hidin..
Im facing the world now.. i need to go out of house almost everyday for skool.. it hurts to step into skool cos it keeps remindin me of the truth..
One once ask me how long am i gonna stay n brood in this thing?
Forever n ever ba? me myself dun even noe..
i thot i cud take it easy.. but it not easy at all..
i thot i cud act as if nothing have happen till nxt yr.. but it not easy at all..

2005-09-08T14:02:00.000+08:00

Seems like bad luck have been knockin on my door..
"Knock knock"
Alot of things hit me at the same time.. Im really tryin to be strong.. Tryin to be jovial.. Trying to smile ... But im crumpling inside.. i hate the feelings of me feeling so weak! Everything is out of my control.. totally havin no control.. i cant see any future.. i cant see any outcome.. im freaking scared.. im shivering in cold sweat...

Nobody understands .. it sux.. i noe u all r there for me but it sux when nobody understands.. but me myself dun understand wat i hope u all to understand.. im blabbering here.. shit! i need to control my emotions..

i score badly in my exams n i haven been able to break the news out yet.. i tried... i realli did.. but i juz manage to told my mum tat i did badly.. i could see the disappointment in her eyes.. and it killing me... i nv want to be a burden to my family.. i nv want them to be disappointed in me.. maybe im brought up in the way tat i cant commit any mistakes.. i hate it..

I lost someone in my family.. it better for him to be at the other place.. it more peaceful there.. rather den living in the corrupted full of nonsence family he is in...
I cant stand the continuous blabberin arguements between my relatives.. pushing blame here and there.. and im suppose to stand strong beside my mum now cos my dad is too damn weak to be there for her becos of his stupid illness..!!! How i wish i can be like my bro.. " it adult matters doesnt concern him.. n juz keep on playin his stupid frozen throne!!!"

I had to be strong for my mum and my ah yee.. i can onli cry at nite on my bed.. i can onli cry when nobody is around.. i need my life back.. But im bloodly hell feeling weak..

Life been smooth for me in my past 22 years.. maybe i had been too pampered.. tats y im takin it all in so hard nw.. im sick of cryin.. i joke around.. i luff i smile but im hurting so deep inside .. how am i going to stand strong when both my parents are cryin almost everyday... how am i?

2005-09-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

Feelin sad..
Pretty disappointed with myself..
Never have i thot i will feel this way..
I hate myself... I hate myself... I hate myself...
Im feelin so weak... so down... so sad... so depress... so disappointed...
I hate myself!

Juz let me die.. if i can.. i will..

2005-08-22T13:42:00.000+08:00

HELP... pls kindly dun read the below!!! Cos u all might think tat im insane...

I truely think that my family are all being capture by aliens in the middle of the nite..
First of all, my mum is gettin more n more vain.
Second of all, my dad is gettin more n more weak.
Third of all, im gettin more n more inhuman but at the same time im gettin more n more lovingly.

Firstly-->
Today, my mum crept into my bedroom around 6.05am!! Why i knew that it 6.05am, it becos i manage to open my small lil eyes n crept a look into my mobile.. damn! All my frens shud noe tat i hate being disturb in the early morn as it can get me cranky n wacky.. but she's my mummy n i cant scream or curse at her.. hai!
Eventualli i manage to crawl out of my bed around 8am to put on some lip balm for my lips..
Lately i simply cant stand my lips cracking.. hurts n ugly.. but guess wat!!! My lip balm, lip gloss, mascara, concealer, blusher, moisturizer all GONE!!! i got such a shock.. thot wat the hell happen.. did the good buddy from the other dimension came n took it all away from me???
In the end, after searching high n low for my stuffs, i found everything in my mum's bedroom....
Think the aliens have inputed in some vain hormones in my mum.. did i tell u tat she went to perm her hair and it doesnt turns out the way it shud look..
Okie, it does make her look old.. n she blame it on me.. say im happi to see her ugly!!!! wat is my mum thinking..
Mr or Mrs alien, if u r seeing this.. Im ANGRY with wat u have done!!!!

Secondly-->
My dad is simply angry with me not searching out the medical pills pros n cons n asking the pharmancy for advice on his heart problem.. din i said it b4, i realli dun think it so serious! Oh boy, juz change ya lifestyle to a healthier way n stop bothering ya dotter.. everything will be fine! but he juz simply show me his droopy wetty saddy hurt cold eyes.. manz!
Think the aliens have capture my dad n add in alot of woman hormones to him.. it make him so girl!! i cant stand it!
Oh boy, somebody pls tell me wat shud i do... i love him.. but it gettin on my nerves... argh...
Mr or Mrs alien, if u r seeing this.. Im Superb Duper ANGRY with wat u have done!!!!

Thirdly-->
I do think my dearies aliens have capture me too.. cos why? today i went out with my dee n dee's frens for lunch.. how sweetilicious lovely can i possible get.. it sometimes nice to hang out with young kids cos they r so youthful n full of crap.. hahaha..
Peops out there, U all shud noe tat i HAte human beings.. therefore it being concluded tat im a princess from MARS..
SO my dearies MArians out there.. pls go kill all the other aliens who had done such incorrigible acts to my family and i LOVE u all out there...

Hahaha.. seems like im a wacko here... but im not the jacko wacko.. im the joanko wacko.. hahaha.. plain lame.. hahaha
Alrite, im still normal.. but gettin abit cranky now n then.. but i know u all still loves me as who i am.. hehehe

On a more serious note:
The sun will rise with each new day
I have more clarity on the thots i have
I will become stronger against all odds in my life
Life isnt always sweet
And i do love the bittersweet in it as nothing is ever perfect..
Im simply finding the "perfection equilibrium" in this imperfect realistic world!!
SMilez!!

2005-08-16T20:49:00.000+08:00

This is going to be a long post... think so.. cos alot of things going through my mind now...

Hmmm...
Not much stuffs happened lately
Just simply the same old bullcrap.. like a jackass still sms me.. opps.. i called him jackass.. ha.. alrite, he is still a nice jerk.

But im stronger this time.. maybe it becos i think i have some other someone on my mind??
Maybe? Yeah? or maybe im juz simply sick of the ways tat he treat me and all the self deniable excuses..
Argh.. y cant i be more true n brave?

Hmmm...
My dad been sick.. im realli not sure if it is realli such a serious disease.. but for all i know is tat heart disease are not curable so all he can do now is to adjust his lifestyle to a better type..
Drink more water.. healthier food.. exercise and stuffs..
But he is acting so weak.. so weak...
I felt bad for the way that i feel..
Im an optimistic girl.. i mean i look things on the bright side n i live in my own self denial world.. Tats why im bubbly.. tats why..
Everything happen for a reasons.. everyone will fall sick eventually..
I just wan him to get well.. get better and become more cheerful again..

Hmmm..
I missed gettin drunk.. think i got kinda high on alcohol tat day.. I missed the feeling.. light.. nothing on my mind.. keep smiling and laughing.. something tat i haven been doin lately..

Hmmmm......
Problems in my family, studies, relationships and friends... so why am i still alive?
It all becos i love living.. i love the unpredictable things tat happen.. the sense of ambiguous in life..
I think im sick.. someone please save me!

2005-08-06T11:51:00.000+08:00

alien language : ti ti dui ti dui ti da toe ta
Hmmm..
Makes me feels better... hmmm....
Alot of things going thru my mind... I never meet him or reply to his sms anymore...
Friends i thot we will be
But things turn out the other way
Maybe strangers will be a better way out
Easier for both u n me ...
Okie! i have decided... Im going to move on n have a brand new start...
No1 gonna make me hate myself again!
N.O.B.OD.Y

2005-08-05T18:53:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...
Something shudnt be affecting me anymore but it still have it way to make me feel angry, pissed and sad...
Ugly human beings...
How can people be so hypocrate and act as if nothing have happen??
How can people be so fake?
How can it be....
I hate myself for being so fake.. y cant i juz treat ... as air... not visible to my sight
Shudnt even be angry over such stuffs..
But it still have a way to make me feel @#$#@%$#^$
Damn!

2005-07-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

I flare up towards my fren... Wasnt like me... I juz lost it...
Haiz..
Things not lookin good lately towards all parts of my life...
Happiness slowly slipping away from me....
But everything gonna be fine... fine... fine....

2005-07-25T15:23:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...
Im falling in Love with Hallmark..
Hey Hey, i know it shows old movies, shows etc.. but im loving it!!!

Been Addicted to it.. haha.. sweetilicious n it makes the world seems more peace n lovey~
Love the show : "Magic Of Ordinary Days"
It a old-fashioned beauty of love story touching on such topics as guilt and loneliness and unrequited love.. It shows the contrast of the City type of love and the Countryside of love.. more pure n true... W/o any accusations, doubting and stuffs... simply believing in the one you love and making him/her happy.
How wonderful it will be if the world operates in this way.. den everyone will be happier.. cos oneself will be happi too if ya loved one is happi too.. this is how great love is but ... do i believe in it? Nope... ahaha.. nah nah, i do believe in it too but it juz wun happen in this realistic world! but once in a while watchin such shows make me feel like a human being.. not tat so cynical ... pretty good feelings! hee

Life's been pretty bored and predictable.. money going out and not in...
I'm feeling pretty happy.. and im not so sure of why.. results might be out soon.. if im not wrong.. late Aug.. but i think im starting to get worry.. but im still feeling happy.. smiles.. and it all becos of Hallmark!!! wahahahah
Oh, let me introduce my new name
" Joanne Pauper Supertitious SimpleYetComplicated babe Kua "

Hmmm... let me end with a joke....
1 guy was walkin down the cemetery
And he heard.. "tok tok tok tok " sound..
He got pretty scare... and not far away he saw a human squating by the walkway
He quickly walk over and ask the human he is doing
The human reply: "they Crave my name wrongly" hehehehehe

hahahaha.. funny right!! hahahahah

2005-07-21T14:12:00.000+08:00

A veri bo liaoz entry... so read at ya own decision... if it realli so boring, might as well not read and why the heck am i exercising my fingers to type it down le..
Maybe juz to remind me back of something when i look back again ba?

*Sudden blankness* *duno wat to type*
How about let me tell a story again? haha :p Nah nah, im not a good story teller..
Alrite, realised something ytd nite..
I'm touch by the thought tat he been busy but still wanna make time to meet me.. (shud i believe it?? ) Even if i believe it, it wun make any difference.. even if i dun believe it, it wun make any difference too.. i juz dun hate him or angry with him... comes wat may and im still ME. A girl tryin to be simple in this complicated world...
I know wat i did wun give me any good endings.. n im afraid of karma too.. can i blame this on this stupid complicated world?
If i haven went to work at tat stupid place, i wun have met him..
If i din go zouk tat time, i wun be friends with him..
If i din have lunch with him, we wun have grown close...
If he dun fetch me for supper n stuffs...
If he din tok to me the way he did...
If ...
I still wan to be friends but do i really need to totally cut myself out from his world to forget him as wat my fren had say b4.. forget him liaoz den can be friends back.. but wat if during the process, he n me will get used of not havin each other in each other world n eventually will not even be friends back? ( thinking too much )
Asectic beliefs: im a simple girl im a simple girl im a simple girl

I love my friends... they give me joy, laughter and fun... im able to be myself when im with them... It a great fortune of me to have them...
Friends tat share n be there ...
Deep in my heart, i appreciate my 2 friends who had dinner with me ytd (yes it u 2.. popular n burpy) haha.. duno how to say it to u all in face.. but if it not with the fact tat u 2 make me realise tat i shud have bbq n dinner with u 2.. n gives me so much fun n laughter ytd.. haha... relieve me from the stupid emo me.. haha
but im emo back now again.. cos im listening to sad chinese songs now.. whahaah.. lamer me...

Life's still goes on... i know wat wrong n wat right....

2005-07-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

hmmm...

Supposed to meet someone today.. still considering.. another 2hrs to go.. hmmmm...
I mean, i can dun meet.. it all up to me.. juz make up an excuse rite.. easy n no harm...
but do i feel like meeting.. i duno
My head says 1 thing and my heart says another.. so who shall i follow..
Maybe the more i meet him, the more i will grown to dislike him becos as he is such an *^%*&$
giving myself lame excuses again..

Ytd, my fren called me a "3rd party" i din noe tat i will be so angry n pissed n somehow pain..
i noe it wrong.. i realli noe.. but i nv ever will wan to have tat name tag to me.. cos im never ever one of those.. i know im not!
But wat my fren says was so true.. so damnable true.. even though i think im not but actually im already am one..
But Im REALLY NOT!

Never never never......

Juz to blog this down so tat i will know how dumb i am when i wake up from this stupid thing...

2005-07-03T11:24:00.000+08:00

Im so Happy Last Nite..
Had my celebration with 7 darlings cum poly mates..
I had my 11 cakes with 2 candles each n it make up a big 22
But nevertheless, i still feel young~ like real.. haha
Juz wanna thanks everyone tat come down ytd n make my day!
Love ya all lots..
N i got a veri nice duper superb nice prezzie from them
Cant stop smiling ever since i woke up..
Nice day! hahaha

2005-07-01T23:08:00.000+08:00

Been working lately..
Real tired..
It a Nice working place.
It has a Nice ambience.. with swimming pool and sofa and couches...
It have Nice people over there
I have my own table.
I have all the free space i wan.
I can take a nap or play "hai tai" or gossips during my work.
N i got 1 Nice super duper goody colleague "MAD" hee
Lucky we got each other to entertain one and other...
Imagine when she or me is doing our PS, we will still be chattin and entertaining ourself.. ha
Gettin obsessed with online shopping and her BBK!
But i still find myself dragging myself to work this morn.. n im realli not looking forward to the whole nxt week..
But nevertheless, it gives good money and all the good pts stated above.
So, pls strive on! hee

2005-06-28T15:51:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...

Juz wanna write about something tat have been on my mind lately.
Let me tell a story:
A and B were best friends.. things had gone bad nsour btw them b4 but they still are best friends thru poly years...
Aint we suppose to be best fren?
Aint we suppose to be there for one other?
But in the end, they ended up like strangers... A dun even have B number.. B change the number again w/o informing A... it kinda of hurt A.. and somehow A still felt the pain ..
Strange ..
Why is it that best friends can turn into totally strangers becos of such small things.
A wonder if whether is she so selfish to be angry over B over such a small lie.. A been telling herself tat it juz a lie.. but why is there a need for lie?
Why is it that things turn out this way. Been thru making up the mind of not ever meetin B. but sometimes, A still wonder how she is. Maybe B too.. maybe it juz something somehow tat A n B are nv meant to be friends..
Looking back at the memories, A realise that ever since they work in the same company, things have gone strange..
There are times where B doesnt even smile at A when in workplace
There are times where B doesnt even talk at A when in workplace
There are times where A n B juz walk pass each other w/o eye contact
.............
So where does the problem lies on?
Is it ever since b4 the lie, both of them have already drifted apart or there are already some non-visible problem between them..
I duno.. cos it a story.. haha
Lame me..

2005-06-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

Time: 1102pm

Today: Im supposed to be going out with my eve n meow for shopping
But: I ended up at my auntie house

Today: Suppose to slp till noon time
But: I ended up wakin up around 9 to do some callings for my dad n to go down to MANGO to do something to my SHORT!
I shud be more observant nxt time.. payin more attention to small details...
Sometimes i feel that gods have a part in planing n making 1 life miserable or happy..
We totally have no control of wat is going to happen in the next min ...
We totally have no control of wat going to happen ...
Sometimes some things as stupid as wat had happen to my shorts is an example.. real life example.

Today: Suppose to be happily having dinner n lunch cooked by my auntie
But: after a heavy real heavy lunch, i have diarrheo.. not realli diarreheo but my tummy juz feel so bloated n pain.. hai.. n ends up not havin my dinner!!
But i still have my dinner la.. around 7plus 8.. haha
How can i survive w/o dinner! hee

Today: Suppose to have my nap on my aunt bed.. love tat bed
But: i din, partly becos of bloated tummy n my cousins..
woh, they love to talk.. talk .. talk.. talk... like houseflies around me.. bzzz... bezzz.. bzzz.. scary!
haha.. but as a good sis, definitely i will entertain them la.. hai.. poor thing me.. duno wat go over my head today tat im so nice to them.. actualli listen n tok to them.. kaoz!

End of a boring Day of my life~
Ta-daa~ Waiting for another boring day to approach me...

2005-06-24T09:26:00.000+08:00

Time:932am

yawnz.. damn tired as i reached home real late last nite! argh.. why cant i slp more.. realli dun appreaciate ppl smsing me in the morning.. realli! but too bad, i got frens tat love to do that.. wat can i do~ they are my frens..

Another 1 week plus will be my birhtday, yet nobody ask me wat i wan.. hee.. so the hyper dyper sensitive me shall make my birthday wish here n hope my babies will all be able to see it~ hhaha..
so here it goes:-

1) A Mp3
2) Adidas jacket
3) Clarins bust firming gel (finishin mine soon)
4) Palmtop Organiser
5) Digital Camera
6) Watch
7) The thing that i ask nette to buy for me
8) Maybe a big fat angbao... haha..

Nette, if u see this, i realli wan tat.. hee lazy me la..
hmmm.. for all the aboves bag wallet n watch, moi shall not disclose the brands.. haha.. cos i know no1 will buy.. :p Nahz, i oso wun wan my babies to spend so much as i know all of us are broke.. hmm..

Birthday coming soon.. ah.. scary double digits.. scary.. how i wish my back to 18 where there simply lesser troubles n problems n responsiblities to handle.. haha
Fat hope!

2005-06-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

Hmmm..
Have been using my new desktop rather den my laptop anymore..
Somehow my laptop become obsolete... hmmm..
My dee said that im a bad owner.. "xi xing yan jiu"
Am i ??

2005-06-12T00:13:00.000+08:00

Think im having some problems with my tempers lately..
Seems to get angry with the smallest possible things tat happen to me~
Shall not announce it here.. :P

Got to do something to stop it.. hmm.. wat can i do le?
Really duno how.. every small things can prick on my nerves n make me feel so irritated n frustrated.. i dun mean to have a long black face or sound unhappy.. juz tat at that particular pt of time, im realli not happi n im someone that shows all my feelings on my face.. U all shud noe i have alot of face expressions 1 rite..
Hmmm..

Argh.. realli got to do something to control my temper.. feeling hyper sensitive lately.. damn it!
Shall do some meditation?? Ommm.. Ommm.. Ommmm..
No use..
Best solution is to Eat my Fav Ice Cream~ Macadamia Nutz.. hahaha
Thinkin of it brings a smile to my face.. wahahaha

Okie okie.. enuff of my nonsense..

2005-06-10T18:50:00.000+08:00

Time:6:58pm
Mood: Nothing Much..

Went out early in the morning to swim with nette n xin.. tired.. hop into bed immediately when i reached home.. i eyes were already half way close when im on the way back home~
Cant really swim much.. tired.. too long nv exercise n xin say god is punishing me for being late.. onli her think of such reasons.. haha.. bleahz
Xin cooked fantastic food! Yummy.. but think it fattening ba.. hee
Nette bought rice dumplings.. yummy.. me prefer the black 1.. even though nette still duno wat the diff btw the 2 diff types.. i simply love the hmmm... brown 1?? hee..
Nxt time, i shall bring something too~ thinking hard :P

Alrite, 1 stupid guy sms me back again.. n all i thot he is already happily back with his gf.. n he still dare to call me dear, still dare to say wanna accompany me.. damn him man
oh boy, how dumb can i get!

When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Dun Come back baby please cause
We DUN belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better ( .... )
Oh baby baby
We DUN belong together

Deep in me, i noe tat i still like him (merely as a fren).. sometimes wonder if i juz enjoy the attention given.. but.. alot of buts..
It hurting me.. when U love someone who already have that particular someone in his life.. his a J**k! But ...
Been thru cryin myself to slp.. been thru denying all the stupid shit.. been thru getting stronger..
How i wish he can really disappear.. but .. as i said, alot of buts.. i dun wanna lose a fren.. i love company even though i hate crowds n human beings...
Argh!! stupid & weird me~

2005-06-06T12:39:00.000+08:00

I cried last nite..

WHY?
It all becos of "Meet Joe Black"
I know it an old show, but the storyline still touches my heart.. bittersweet love~

It hard to let go becos tat's LIFE.
We can love someone so deeply even though we know its wrong from the start, the wrong place at the wrong time with a wrong person.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

I wanna something like above.. but i know it impossible cos the rational me wun dare to take such risks.

Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her.
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.
Joe Black: Then what is it?
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.
Joe Black: Which is what?
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish?
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

Sweetilicious~

2005-06-05T01:52:00.000+08:00

Time: 1.52am
Mood: Slpy

So Y aint i slping at this quiet hour of the nite, aint beauty slp a big big thing for me?
Yeah, it still is.. but i need to dry my hair first.. and my hair take ages to get dry.. haiz

Wat been happening lately?
Too many thing... Finished my last paper on the 1st of june, since then i've been slackin.. not realli using my brain.. haha.. something which i enjoy doing the most.. "not using my brain"

Okie, lately my fren loved to tease me regarding my "ear deaf" thingy.. dun realli find it funny, cos do think its logical.. translate it into chinese will be "er long" or in english will be "ear deaf"! haha.. so its logical for me to say it out this way :P

People dream dreams... Different people dream of different types of dream..
Like me, i onli dream of simple, real life stuffs.. maybe will have some surreal things in it like maybe im in another stage of my life... working life etc..
But i do have frens that have "strange" dreams, like gotten in a maze tryin to get out of it.. Isnt it cool.. how i wish i have such dreams.. something tat i wun get to experience it in real life, will wan to experience it in a dream.. hee "strange me"

Things have been going smoothly for me.. not much ups or downs.. simple and im loving it.. except for the recently stupid shit tat i had created and causes me to burn a big hole in my pocket! damn! Anything else but tat, im having a simply contented life right now.. onli "right now" cos i now the "simply unsatisfied n constantly changing mind ME" is going to form, and create some stupid execuses in hating my life again..

Just before those stupid excuses starts appearing in my mind, heart and brain, im going to continue to enjoy n love my life~

2005-05-22T17:27:00.000+08:00

Date: 22 May 05
Mood: tired... shoulder pain...

Ytd, went with nette n kim to far east sq to sell off our 2nd hand clothes
we have levis, mango, mphosis, g2000, topshop and alot others..
But we manage to sell off none..
We failed on our first entreprenuership.. haha

Throughout the whole day, meet alot of aunties.. naggy.. simply naggy
They got so much so much things to complain, comment and nag.. woh..
We were all totalli turned off...
The aunties keep on blabbber n blabber.. and the 3 of us still need to smile n smile..
It not that i dun respect, but somehow, i simply cant take the nagginess of aunties..

Luckily at the end of the day, kim's bf came to fetch us.. luckily..
Or else i duno how am i goin to bring back all my clothes.. its damn heavy n thats y im shoulder hurts real bad now...

The worst doesnt ends here.. cos im being drag out since early morn to acc my parents to pray.. cos today is the vesak day.. if im not wrong.. i dun mind goin to the squezzy crampy alot of human beings temples.. my friends shud noe i dun enjoy crowd.. so lets say that today is juz one of those days tat i dun look forward to.. but nevertheless, i dun mind it since it been a long time since i hang out with my parents..

Oh, saw my samsung collegues at compasspoint just now.. she is still with her bf.. sweetilicous.. haa

2005-05-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

What have i done Today..?

Wanna type wat i did todae.. but xin is toking to me..

Keep tokin to me... so i cant type.. cant multitask lately..

So continue nxt time..

Rem to keep a lookout...